Santa baby...

In 1953, Eartha Kitt first begged ‘Santa Baby’ to ‘hurry down the chimney’. Since then the song has been covered, almost yearly, by a whole host of stars- Kylie, Madonna and Miss Piggy to name but a few. It may be a tongue in cheek tune but I believe its enduring popularity is down to the fact that we all understand Miss Kitt’s impatience. By this time of year, who isn’t ready to be lavished with expensive gifts?

My only issue is that it is no longer 1953 and Eartha’s Christmas list is now somewhat out of date. A sable for instance remains a cosy cover-up, but the practicalities of wearing one out in central London circa 2011 must be considered. Even the warmest mink can’t shelter you from the cold wind of an animal lover’s disapproval- or a PETA activist’s paintbrush.  A convertible presents a similarly ill-informed choice by modern day standards. If Eartha were to see the extortionate price of parking/ petrol/ insurance I’m sure she’d revise her choice… a Yaris or Smart car perhaps? I won’t even start on the platinum mine but I’m thinking of ‘Blood Diamond’.

With this (and my own Christmas list) in mind, I decided to revise ‘Santa Baby’.  Some may say I’ve lost the tongue in cheek comedy of the song in downgrading Eartha’s hyperbolic aspirations. All I can say in my defense is that, considering my current financial situation, these gifts are no more realistic.

Santa Baby,

Just slip a bronzer under the tree

For me

Been an awful pale girl

Santa Baby,

So hurry down the high street tonight

Santa baby,

A Shu Uemura eye-shadow too

Dark blue

I'll wear it ev’ry night of the year

Santa baby,

So hurry down the high street tonight

Think of all the shopping missed

I’ve been working hard- not getting pissed

Next year I swear I’ll get a job

Can I have a lipstick in ‘throb’?

Santa Baby,

I really want a cream blusher pot

A lot

Been an angel all year

Santa Baby,

So hurry down the high street tonight

Santa Honey,

Make sure concealer is on my list

In Bisque

No other colour will do

Santa Baby,

So hurry down the high street tonight

Santa cutie,

If you’re stopping by YSL

Oh hell

Get me a touché eclat

Santa cutie,

So hurry down the high street tonight

Come and sniff my Jo Malone

Wild Bluebell is my fav’rite cologne   

Failing that some Chanel will do

I’ll pick up some CK for you

Santa Baby,

If you’re passing by Benefit

A kit

For the eyes and the lips

Santa Baby,

So hurry down the high street tonight

hurry down the high street tonight!