That's why the Lady is a Vamp

There is something infinitely glamorous about red lipstick. If applied correctly (and this is a big if), it seems to immediately transform the wearer into a more sophisticated, worldly and alluring version of themselves. This recognition of red’s mystical properties is by no means confined to our generation.  The ancient Egyptians would crush carmine beetles to extract their red pigment (they were a resourceful race) and Italian ladies in the thirteenth century wore it as a sign of high social class. Elizabeth I was also partial to a bit of lippy, although perhaps her taste is cast in a somewhat dubious light by her simultaneous preference for poisonous, white foundation.

Iconic as these women might be though, I would bet my bottom dollar that when we slick on a hefty coat of pillar-box red it is not old queen Bess we hope to emulate (although rumour has it she was quite the man-eater),but rather those 50s stars of the silver screen,  Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe. Provocatively pouting at the camera, these ladies have come to epitomise the golden age of Hollywood glamour and a level of female seductiveness to which us mere mortals can only aspire. Is it any wonder that they had the world’s richest and most powerful men falling at their feet? Wouldn’t you be in awe of a lady that could carry off such a daring colour with that level of panache? I certainly am. Anyone I see applying red lipstick (well) when out and about gains my instant respect and envy, not least because their hand can remain suitably steady post three double vodka redbulls.

Nevertheless there is another, darker side to red lipstick which I feel it is my duty to warn you of. The line between screen goddess and child-let-loose-in-make-up-bag is a fine one. You may think you’re exuding Marilyn Monroe but there is a distinct possibility that you look more Marilyn Manson and, although the rise of Twilight and the prevalence of black leather on the catwalk could be considered evidence of a minor Gothic revival, this under no circumstances should extend to the make-up bag. I also trust that I don’t need to warn you about the age old association between red lips and ladies of ill-repute. Throughout the medieval period make-up was the reserve of prostitutes and although nowadays I doubt anyone will mistake you for the devil incarnate, don too garish a shade and you will be avoided like the plague. To help you avoid this disastrous outcome I have taken it upon my housemates and myself to go before you and test out some shades of red. Whether we were transformed into screen goddesses or ghouls, the results are as follows.

Barry M Lip Lacquer Crayon No.2 - £4.99 I strongly believe that Barry M made this colour into a Crayon for a reason; it is only good for children. Perhaps if you have a great aunt Gladys with a penchant for outrageous lippy this might also be suitable for her but I would not like to be seen encouraging this, especially as it's smudgy texture would mean it quickly transferred to her dentures. On the positive side it felt quite nice in a heavy kind of way and it had a strong colour, although considering the shade, I’m not sure whether this isn’t more of a negative. 1/5

No 17. Mirror Shine in Holly-wood- £4.59 This promised so much and yet delivered so little. Winding up this lipstick I was met with a glossy shade of scarlet that left me salivating to give it a go. I applied it and… applied it again, and again (you see where I’m going with this), there was no colour! It was like a slightly red lip balm. Nims, especially was appalled by this and repeatedly told us all how unflattering the slight shade was on all of us. Again the only good thing said about it was that it had a nice texture but as Grace commented, who wouldn’t prefer a Vaseline? 1.5/5

Marks and Spencer Lipstick in Red - £2.50 Good old M&S. This may not have been the best received of all those lipsticks tested but it presented excellent value for money and did exactly what it said on the tin. The packaging was a bit juvenile but the colour (a deep red), was full on sophistication and its creamy texture meant it applied well. However not everyone can carry off this rather grown-up tone. Although it looked great on Fi, whose blonde hair and Cheshire cat grin make a natural candidate for Marilyn status, the colour on Grace and I had a definite air of Mummy’s make-up about it. 3.5/5

Collection 2000 Lasting Colour in 9 Cherry Bomb - £2.99 This lipstick was the nearest to orange in the red spectrum and this slightly controversial colour meant it had mixed reviews.  Fi wasn’t such a fan and Nims thought it looked a bit cheap but I really liked it and Grace said it was exactly the shade of a MAC one she had. The tangerine element to it meant that it wasn’t as overtly sex-pot as some of the redder shades but it was still a punchy colour that would get you noticed on a night out. I’m defiantly going to give it a go. 4/5

Rimmel Lasting Finish Lipstick in 170 Alarm- £4.99 Alarm by name but surprisingly not by nature! We all agreed that this was the best all-rounder, the most likely to transform you into a head turning starlet. It had a rich, red colour with a smooth texture that looked good on both fair and darker skin. Also (this sounds a bit odd) it was noted that the lipstick had a really good shape and was consequently easy to apply. 5/5